Too old???

You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them!

Let the leaves turn blood red and shine against the sun..

Beneath the shadow of the weeping willow, crying in the waking of the sky..

Oh, the glorious colors of the fall..

The sunrise turned every leaf into a little fire...

We choose our direction..I'd have to skip left or right and go straight on into that golden light..

The trees stand naked in the sun..after humbly offering their colors to the sky above..

Sometimes life can simply be a beautiful surrealist dream of a fantasy..

Complain

Don't complain about the darkness do something about the lamp!!

Desi Tips

#Think Globally, act locally... Be international by appearance but be a DESI at heart. Courtesy: Tridip Bhattacharya

#Respect your parents !! They have done their homework without Google. Courtesy: Tanvir Singh Randev
...
#No burger, Pizza...Sirf khao Eggs bole to Andde.....Jo khaate hai apne desh ke Gabru DESI mushtandde! - Courtesy: Mukesh Singh

#Some people treat other people like animals...but a DESI treats animals like people. Courtesy: Rose Pavia

#Some people spend their time in worshiping God, thinking that they'll be blessed with good wishes. My DESI tip is that we should worship our parents, cos even God says that there is heaven in parents feet. We will find this only in our des (country). Courtesy: Tarun Nigam

#People say 'ki life kitni buri hai' but a DESI says 'ki agar life buri hai toh hum saale kaun se acche hai!!' - Courtesy: Deepanshu Tyagi

#The Greatest Mistake Of Most Of DESI's, We Listen Half, Understand Quarter, and Think Zero.... Courtesy: Ariff Haider

#Angrej ladki se milne jayega, aur kahega "gf" se milne ja raha hoon. Lekin ek DESI launda, doston ko "kahega teri bhabhi" se milne ja raha hoon. Courtesy: Arun Chalotra

Feed

Be careful what kind of emotion you feed on to. The outcome might be passion or addiction!

The True Meaning of Sleeping Together

Nothing dirty. Nothing Naughty. Just sleeping. It’s just sleeping with that someone and knowing that they’re in your arms and you’re in theirs. They want to feel close to you. They want to know they are the closest to your heart. They want to hear you breathe when you fall asleep as they sleep next to you. As you fall asleep, you want to cuddle with that someone and just the hold them close. It’s that moment where you don’t want to let go and that moment where you don’t want them to forget that this is a special moment.

Ha ha best joke

বল্টুর সাথে জরিনার প্রেম ছিল।
জরিনা একদিন বল্টুকে দাওয়াত দিল, আর বললঃ “আজ আসিয়ো আমাদের বাড়িতে, মা-বাবার সাথে তোমার পরিচয় করাইয়া দিবো, তারপরে রাতে আমরা……….......... বল্টুতো খুশিতে বাকবাক। :D

... তখনি ছুটে গেল ডাক্তারের দোকানে কনডম কিনতে।
দোকানদার বেডা বল্টুর খুশি দেখে পাম-পট্টি দিয়ে পুরা ফ্যামিলি প্যাক গছায় দিল।

লাফাইতে লাফাইতে বল্টু সন্ধ্যায় গিয়ে হাজির হল মেয়ের বাড়িতে।
শ্বশুর-শ্বাশুড়ীর (হবু) সামনে গিয়ে ছেলে সালাম দিয়ে সেইযে মাথা নিচু করল, মাথা উচুই করেনা, আধাঘন্টা পার হয়ে গেল, মাথা আর উঠেনা। হবুদের উপর সম্মান দেখে জরিনা তো আহলাদে গদগদ।

বল্টুর কানের কাছে ফিসফিস করে বলল, তুমি আমার বাবা-মারে সম্মান করো জানতাম, কিন্তু এত সম্মান করো তাতো জানতাম না।

বল্টু রাগে রাগে উত্তর দেয়, সেইডা ঠিক আছে, কিন্তু আমিও তো জানতাম না, তোমার বাপে কনডম বেচে!! :-P

Its too late to apologize!

Sapno

তোমায় নিয়ে স্বপ্ন দেখিনা বলে গোটা পৃথিবীর
সব স্বপ্নগূলোকে আজ বড় মিথ্যে মনে হয়।
তোমার সংগেকার মধুর স্মৃতিগুলো আজও বড় বেশি করে মনে পড়ে যায়।
ভোরের কুয়াশা কিংবা গোধূলীর মেঘ সবই যেন
আমার স্মৃতিতে তোমার অস্তিত্বকে বারবার ফিরিয়ে আনে।
... জীবনের সবকিছু হিসেব করে আজ আমার বলতে ইচ্ছে হচ্ছে
এ জীবনের বিনিময়ে যদি কিছু চাই, তোমাকে পেলে আমার চাওয়ার কিছ নাই ..

His choice

Everything I'm doing is His choice...yes capital with a capital H and finger pointing up! Oh gosh how much i love that "easy A" movie :D

True???

7 complicated things for women

7 Complicated Facts about Women :

1. Most Important Thing for
Women is Financial Security.

... ... 2. Although this is Important, They
Still Go Out & Buy Expensive
Clothes.

3. Although They Always Buy
Expensive Clothes, They Never
have Anything to Wear.

4. Although They Never have
Anything to Wear, They Always
Dress Beautifully.

5. Although They Always Dress
Beautifully, They are Never
Satisfied.

6. Although They r Never Satisfied,
They Still Expect Men to
Compliment Them.

7. Although They Expect Men to
Compliment Them, When They do,
They don't Believe Them..!! :P :P

No HAte

Never hate your enemies. At least you should not hate your own creations.

My philosophy Ri8 Now

If you have love for me I have love for you!! Otherwise go kill yourself!!

Script

 No, I don't hate you. This time it was much better than the first one. After the first time I have always wondered what went so wrong, how can I make myself belief that someone I know so closely can act this this. If you had never come back I would have wondered in my whole life as long as I'm alive. But coming back you showed me why I shouldn't be nice to anyone, why I shouldn't be in a relationship.  Sometimes I think the second time you didn't get much but what I got was priceless self re-innovation. You came back to straighten lot of things out for me. You showed me people do change and people should deserve to die who can't forget. Thank you for making me strong and laying everything straight on the table.

May be when you think of me you feel nothing but pity probably about how big of a fool I am, how I wanted to be "showy" and all. Even I am ashamed of some stuff I did to make you happy (impress actually!). But what I am not ashamed of is to accept me and my family the way they are. I am constantly working on making myself a better person so also other member of the family. But that doesn't mean I don't wanna accept them for who they are. You probably realized soon enough that hurting a bunch of fools and idiots would be that big of a deal and you are most rightly so on your part. But those happened to be my family and I care about the values they follow much more than I care about making myself happy in a stupidest way. So be it. But guess what??

At the end of the day, I am proud to be with my family. I am not at all ashamed to call that illiterate rural woman as my mother. I feel bad for you calling that money-monger, uncultured psycho as your father. 

And one last thing, if you hate me you are playing according to someone's script.

Just so you know.

Be self motivating

As long as you believe in it go ahead and do it..don't seek another person's approval!

Do your part

If it is to be, its upto me!!

SHIT andeasy A

Wtched Eay A and accepted today. Those movies are awesome. South Herman Institute of Technology (S.H.I.T) is pretty hilourioud. And guess what the boss or dean of the colled would be called"

SHITheads.

safe play

Play it safe or follow your heart????

Playing it safe will be probably the most risk you ever take i life. 

You you dont risk something you end up risking everythinhg!

Be around believers

Its nice to be around people who believe in what they are doing. You may not necessarily agree with what they are doing but as long as they have complete belief in that (which does not anyway affect all others belief). You may not respect someone but please don't disrespect that as well. I think Emile is the most encouraging person I have seen my life. His enthusiasm of a child always amaze me. He is awesome. I like being around hime. That gives me strength.

No shortcut in success

Nothing has worked for me since last December. I guess its because of two reasons. Firstly, I tried to shortcut my route to get to good ee which obviously didn't happen. I guess I should have taken my own advice which at times distribute to others in free that there is no such "shortcut" to success. If there were they wont be called success I guess. So be prepared to work hard kiddo!

Secondly, I was trying to do too many things at the same times...Asym sulfa michael, cycloipropanation, Henry reaction, a straightforward access to spiriindolines etc. I was wrong. Research doesn't happen that way I guess. I will have to take one at a time and go till the end wilth it. Comeback fast and start with another one. Remeber just one at a time. Its like educating children in the slam. Take one child at a time and make one dream come true...make one life better at a time. 

So gentlemen, I, Mr. Shaw hereby declare with utmost sincerity from bottom of my heart that I will go to the end with each individual reactions I plan on doing and see the end. 

Chemistry you better get ready to get some crazy reaction on you...because I will the most crazy m****r f****r you will find who is gonna beat you till death just to improve ee only by a decimal place...Yayyy!!

Jokes

এক সুন্দরী তরুণী হাবলুকে বিয়ের প্রস্তাব দিয়ে বসল ধুমকরে!
কিন্তু হাবলুর মুখ কালো।
ঘটনা কী? জিজ্ঞেস করল সেই তরুণী।
হাবলু মুখ বেজার করে বলল, না রেভাই, আমার পরিবার এই বিয়ে মেনে নেবে না। কারণ আমাদের পরিবারে কেবল আত্মীয়দের মধ্যেই বিয়ে হয়।
যেমন,আমার বাবা বিয়ে করেছেন আমার মাকে। ভাইভাবীকে। আপা দুলাভাইকে! :-P

All you need to do id=s jjust ignore!!

I think being rich would mean more than anything being able to ignore whats important to most of the people. Thats the reason why we ant to be so rich so that we don't have to care about money, being famous, being a world to some people and all those external expectations and show offs. So we work our a** off to get to a point where we can ignore money and fame. There is an another way to get to this. All you have to do is succesfully ignore these expectations especially because they don't mean anything to you or to anybody. 

As long as you ae concerned, even after being a millionaire you know you are nothing but an a**hole. You kinda try to fool other people by the money and fame you 'bought'. Its funny from people's point of view too. They are only respecting you bcoz they are getting something from you...money, fame (fight over taking picture since y're famous). But when u won't have those they won't look back. Remember the famous quote by Yuvraj Sing: "achha kheloge toh talia, nahi toh galiya' Dhoni after 2007 world cup crash couldn't reach hometown bcoz people are throwing stones at his house and 4 yrs later it all changed in 2011. So hust ignore (its free) and will feel happy

No arm, no legs, no worries!!

I think Getting bogged down by the idea of what you have been missing out are great is just pointless!! Everything come at its own cost/risk! So what you have been doing instead is as wonderful (if not more) as it would have been! Never underestimate the power of denial!

Hate me!

If you loved me at some point, I'm sure if have successfully managed to forget about all that. I have no hard feelings just you could have handled the situation more nicer way. Well I'm no one to expect the best of your behaviors to me anyways. You taught me way more than I could have ever learned by my own. Thanks a ton for that. Thanks for teaching me to be suspicious when people are being good to me for many days in a row. You sacrificed yourself to be the best showcase for not being nice to anybody. 

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.....none of those probably matter to you anymore...but there is only one piece of advice I can give you...If you hate me (which I think is the case and I can totally understand the reasons for) you will never be able to get over me...if you want to get over me.....love me (fake it!) when I see you and then flash me down the toilet....have a happy afternoon!!

Ignorance is your new best friend!!

How else can I ignore you????

Girls father!

Girls father seems to have hard times agreeing that their daughters are independent and can make their own choices. Most of them do it just because if they don't control their daughter's wish they will be merely spectators of the game once they loved playing!!

The Girl next door

 Just watched this movie...Latter I read it was based on a true story! I saw the reviewers wrote that the book describes it being an even horrible extortion. Makes me wonder how many types of fucked up people can live in this world! Sorry poor girl..

http://www.youtube.com/movie?v=z1OxeHMdiD4

Please be happy and forget about me!!

It was not so long ago
when I thought I'd never meet someone like you.
Wrong was I, thinking I'm in control
... Believing I'd never fall.
All my life I thought no one would
melt a heart like mine, a heart so cold,
a heart hardened by the past,
protected by shields so vast.
Slowly I was falling
without even knowing.
Only to find out too late
I have no choice but to accept my fate.
I could dream, I suppose
forever, I could hope
there will never be any 'us', that's our destiny
so I wake up to reality.
I lied when I said
I didn't love you,
that my feelings for you
are through.
I lied
not because I wanted to
but because I love you
and I still do.
I wouldn't do a thing to hurt you
but I just have to let go.
I can't hold on much longer
'coz for us there's no forever!!

 

Another great movie!

Inspiring: Bridesmaids

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to Turn around and say goodbye !!

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

[Chorus]

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

You!

I can't find you. I feel like you are part of my soul which hasn't formed my body yet! 

The original Sin

I loved you. I really did. You guys must be laughing at me behind my back about how stupid I am, how blind I am about you. Laugh when I tell you this you were the only one I loved...you are the only one I love....from beginning to end...from start to finish....I told you many times but you didn't believe it...but tonight you will...don't ever change it..Amen!

FREE BREAKFAST!!

The NRI Chachas – Part 1

I have met numerous NRI chachas  over the last thirty-five years. The famous ones you read about in the papers, those that are business tycoons, or famous academics and such. The infamous ones you also hear about, those that imbibe too much alcohol,  or become con artists and so on.

In this series, I will write about the strange, the quirky, and the funny ones. The stories are mainly true.

Kamal babu had an attitude. He was an important man, an established academic with an elevated cholesterol level. He worried a lot, about his research, about his cholesterol, about his prospects for advancement, about his money and so forth. As a result, other people that were not academics or medical professionals or financial advisors  were pretty much invisible to him.

We  were  traveling in different directions, but our paths crossed in London. It turned out we will both be in London for three days, so we decided to share a hotel room.

London hotels are expensive -  this one was pretty basic, a musty room in a house that looked like about two hundred years old, but close to the Tube rail  and free breakfast!  And an attached  bathroom that was so small that you will need to contort yourself into yoga positions to be able to take a shower. And all this for about $140 per day!

“What a deal! At least we have free breakfast” Kamal said.

Indeed!

On our first morning, I woke up before him, successfully took a shower while twisting my body like a jilebi, and went to the basement for the free breakfast.

Instead of  a sumptuous buffet, I found a small kitchen area stacked with several types of bread, instant coffee and teabags, and cornflakes and other cereals. Oh yes, they had fruit juices too.

This certainly was no Hilton. But wait, as I approached the kitchen counter, a guy that looked very Hispanic hurried out with a shopping bag in his hand.

“I will be back shortly. I need to get some supplies, sorry” He said as he exited through the back door of the hotel.

Apparently, his supply of cornflakes was  running low!

Undaunted, I approached the counter.

The Spanish guy had left  his wife/gf in charge at the kitchen.

The Senora was curvy, indeed very curvy, with a pretty face as well.  Unfortunately, she spoke no English whatsoever.

 I decided to venture beyond the dining area, entering the kitchen.

“No!” Senora exclaimed, followed by Spanish instructions obviously meant for me to stay out of  the kitchen.

I gave her a big smile, grabbed some bread, put two slices in the toaster, and put some water in the microwave. In front of the lady’s disapproving eyes, I got some cereal and milk as well, and made some crappy instant coffee – hey it was free!

Toast, cornflakes, and coffee, just like I have at home , except I have brewed coffee that tastes a lot better. But Senora was eye candy, enhancing the beauty of the kitchen area. I kept on smiling at her as I ate my breakfast. She frowned at first, then broke into a big smile. Couldn’t resist my charm, you see.

I went for a little walk after breakfast, the sun was shining in London, apparently a rare occurrence!

Twenty minutes later, in cheerful spirits, back in the hotel room, I met a furious Kamal Sahib. He was fuming!

“Did you eat breakfast?” He asked.

“yes” I said.

“There was a woman in the kitchen that was weird. I asked her for some lightly toasted wheat bread, some green tea, and bran flakes with skim milk. I need to watch my cholesterol, you see. She kept on speaking  gibberish to me and gave me some bad instant coffee”. Kamal was mad!

“That’s because she does not speak English, my friend. Her husband is in charge, he went to get some supplies, is probably back by now. He speaks English. The coffee is crap though.” I agreed.

“How did you eat breakfast?” Kamal asked me.

“ I made my own. You do not have a be a trained chef to make toast”. I was a little sarcastic.

“Well, I went back upstairs and complained bitterly to the manager. Look”, he brandished the hotel’s list of amenities in front of my eyes, “It says “free breakfast””!

“Now, now, that’s overkill. You should have waited for a few minutes, or made your own tea.” I said

“I was upset. Now I am hungry too” Kamal babu  persisted.

Suddenly, there was a big commotion outside  in the corridor.

We both went outside.

The main hotel entrance was visible from where we were standing.

“Get out of here! I have put up with you long enough!” The hotel manager,  apparently from the Middle East, and evidently with a big temper, was in the process of sacking the Spaniard!

“Please, sir! It would never happen again” , was the Spaniard’s meek response.

The manager was unforgiving. So we witnessed the sorry spectacle of  Senor, sniffling,  while holding two shopping bags full of cornflakes and such. Senora was bawling now, her curves heaving, with large teardrops  distorting her pretty face. Soon, they exited the premises, jobless, but with a couple of week’s supply of breakfast items.  

Kamal  babu, while self-absorbed, was not  devoid of compassion altogether. He was embarrassed -  he terminated two poor people’s  livelihood  for some silly  toast.

Did he ask for a discount from the manager for  not having free breakfast? I don’t know,  I didn’t.

We did not mention this much in the next two days.

Did this incident change our NRI chacha’s attitude? Did he become more charismatic, noticing the common people that surround us in our powerful strides towards success?

Hmmmmm……. Fat chance!

Discrimination, American Style!

Discrimination, American Style

Now, this is a serious matter, and I am not  going to do justice to this, I know. No profound insights  here, just my own experience .

To start with, there are racist people all over the world – just read comments on videos on Youtube, or comments on news items filled in with racial hatred and bigotry.  I never met them in person, thank God.

As a nation, United States has made monumental strides in race relations. We have elected Obama as President.  That’s huge!

However, in India,  shades of darkness or fairness  of skin continue to be relevant  even today.

An  old Indian lady who I love dearly says, “Obama is alright I guess, but Michelle looks kind of uncivilized.”

“How  so?” I ask.

“Well, she looks kind of like my maid, in fact she is darker. She walks like her too” the lady chuckles.

I casually inform her that Michelle Obama has a Law degree from Yale University. The old lady apologizes immediately for her casual remark. No harm done.

The old lady is my mom.

So, is it  perception that  leads to behavior that  is sometimes funny, sometimes not so funny, sometimes infuriatingly insulting?

I can’t answer that, but ,without further ado,  here are  snippets from the last three and a half decades:

Roofer?

In the mid nineties, I was in my “fitness mode”,  cropped hair, a hard body (well, sort of), I hardly looked professorial.  I was in a bar with some male friends, we were not in a predatory “let’s hit on the girls” mood  at all. However, an attractive woman, clearly in her thirties and obviously not a college student, was sitting nearby and I struck up a conversation with her. While we were making small talk, I noticed she was staring  at me with a somewhat  amused look. She kept on smirking for while.  Suddenly, she came clean

“Hey I know you!” she blurted out.

“Really!” I have never seen her before!

“I fixed my roof this summer and you were on the roofing crew! I remember you!”

I laughed.

Repairing roofs  of American houses requires walking on sloped, slanted surfaces, with buckets of hot tar and other seriously dangerous equipment.  This is also done usually in the middle of summer on dry days when the temperatures can reach 30 -38 centigrade.

One of the most arduous, dangerous and low-paid jobs in America, the roofing crew almost entirely consists of uneducated Mexican immigrants, many of them illegal. However, many of these young men are in great physical shape and some have close cropped hair as well.

I tried the truth. “Actually, I am a college professor.”

She laughed heartily for about 30 seconds. I guess the alcohol was getting to her.

“That’s a good one, Jose”, she said, still giggling, “did you think you can pull this off?  College prof, hahaha, good one, hahaha” she continued laughing.

I knew this was a lost cause.

“Hahaha” I laughed sheepishly as well, and managed to leave the scene in a few minutes.

I found this funny, primarily because I had better social options at that time (seriously!). If I was really  trying to befriend her, this would  be a bummer!

Thief?

In the mid-eighties, married and with a three-year old son, we went to Yellowstone National Park for the first time. The park is huge, many  people do not know it’s about the size of the state of West Bengal, or bigger than the entire state of Punjab. We stayed in the Signal Mountain Lodge, in a cabin by  a beautiful lake for about four or five days and absolutely loved it. But we left the park on a sour note.

Checking out of the hotel, I was standing in line after two people, my wife and son were sitting nearby  on a couch  in the hotel lobby. The hotel management, the guests, the young employees were all white – it was vanilla country!

Two people before me paid their bills with   credit cards. In those ancient times, credit card machines only accepted small transactions, about 50 dollars at most. Higher amounts had to be authorized by a phone call. For the people ahead of me things went without a glitch. The reception lady made the phone call and   gave them a receipt.

The lady at the reception started frowning as I  presented my credit card. She called for authorization for the amount charged and had a surprised look on her face when it was accepted.. Undaunted, she opened a little blue book. I knew what it was – it was a printed  list of stolen credit cards! My card was not in her book.  But wait, she was not done yet. She turned around and called the local police station to  find if my credit card was on their computerized updated list of stolen cards! Still not convinced, she excused herself and went inside, and I am guessing called the FBI and such for further enquiry. A roomful of people were staring at me and my family. What were they thinking? “Dirty Indian cheats at work again!” Who knows!

 I stood there blushing, angry, and helpless.

To cut a long story short,   my card was  finally accepted, and we left  without  leaving any major tip at the restaurant  inside  the hotel where we ate lunch. I  paid there in cash.

This incident was not funny!

To be fair, this happened a long time ago and if you visit Signal Mountain lodge today, which is still a beautiful resort, you will encounter nothing like this.

Student?

I was  on an interdepartmental committee, where we were evaluating  performance of numerous junior faculty.  One of them drew our attention. Professor Bozo (I intend to call him that),  fortunately not in our department, was seriously berated by his own colleagues, primarily for the  low quality of his research. We were in the process of submitting our final report.

Since I was still in my fitness era, I frequented the showers in the faculty locker room, where I met Professor Bozo through some common friends. Although not much of a researcher, Bozo maintained a strict exercise regimen.

One day at the end of the semester, after a strenuous racquetball game followed by a shower, I was slowly getting  dressed.  Bozo was  around, so he decided to chat.

“How is the end of the semester going for you?” he asked.

“Fine. I am getting  ready to give my exams” I said.

“How many exams are you going to take? Bozo asks

“Excuse me?” I said “I was talking about giving exams, not TAKING  them”

“That’s nice. You do both -  give exams and take exams. Lots of our teaching assistants do that”. Bozo was undaunted.

“I don’t take exams  any more” I said wryly at this point.

“Of course”, Bozo’s eyes lit up “ You finished all your courses and  you are writing your PH.D. thesis. That’s very nice.”

Well, at that point of time, I had finished my PH.D. thesis about fifteen years prior to that. I was about forty-five years old. And, I was physically in the faculty locker room where students were not allowed.

Hmmmmm.. .. How did I vote in the interdepartmental evaluation committee which met  about  three days after this incident?  I will not answer this question for fear of self-incrimination.

On reflection, I think Bozo may have had poor eyesight. He could only see the blurred outline of  my toned hard body (hahaha)  and assumed I was a  young foreign student.  Or  maybe he was gay and was trying to flatter me.

This was a little bit funny, a little bit insulting. But I had the last laugh, I guess!

So there you  have it! I will write of more of these little incidents in a few days.

Meanwhile,  it would take some time  before the old lady in India would stop comparing her maid to Michelle Obama, and the young woman in America would consider   socializing  with an alleged roofer!

Discrimination: Elephants and the Smart Blonde!

As some  people have commented favorably on my previous blog on Discrimination,  I am eager to present you with the next installment.

The discriminating elephants :

The elephants do not discriminate against people, usually. Or do they?

This is about Rakesh, our erstwhile tour guide for  an air-conditioned sightseeing tour from Delhi to Jaipur and a few other places in between. The year was 1982, when these tours were expensive by Indian standards.  There were  about five affluent Indians,  three young American women traveling together, two other Europeans, an older Japanese gentleman, and three NRI’s including me and  my wife.

Today, NRI’s are pretty much indistinguishable from the locals. But back then, in  import-starved India, there were no “phoreign goods”. Thus an expensive camera, nice athletic shoes, a flashy wristwatch (yes we wore  them back then!)  even a stainless steel flask, or   other things that we used casually  were not available locally. So you could easily tell the NRI’s apart.

Our guide Rakesh told us he had a Master’s degree in history. He spoke very good English and was very congenial, funny as well.

Until we arrived at Amber Fort.  The tour had arranged for three elephants to show us around.

Rakesh rounded up the five Indians and put them on the first elephant.

Next, he gathered  all the white people, including the three American women.

 But wait, one of the three women was black, very dark indeed.

“Please wait for the next one” he told the black girl. But clearly there was enough room on the second elephant!

On the last elephant, the remaining people were loaded -the NRI’s, the Japanese gentleman, and the black girl!

This happened so fast that it took the young woman some time to figure out what’s going on.

She was very upset once she saw what was going on, so were her friends on the other elephant. They did not say anything, but we all noticed their angry demeanor, the flared nostrils, the curled lips and flushed faces.

Rakesh was no fool. At the conclusion of the elephant episode, he went into hiding. Sat next to the driver in the bus, facing the road instead of facing us as  he was doing before. Spoke on the mike and avoided all eye contacts with everyone. No more Mr. Congeniality. His assistant,  who was a menial employee and spoke only broken English, accompanied us at the other sites, Rakesh stayed in the bus. The girls didn’t get a chance to confront   Rakesh, I bet they sure wanted to!

 I guess  one elephant was designated “whites only”! The elephant didn’t know, but Rakesh did.  

They gave you a job! That’s nice!

 The blonde was from East Europe, but she went to a small college in a small town in America. Spoke excellent English, was mostly  Americanized. I guess she had only seen American-born faculty.

She got admitted to our small Ph.D. program. Our chairperson was pushing for  serious collegial cordiality, so he arranged for a welcome party for the  students in his house. He told his wife to cook a lot and told all the faculty to mingle,  mingle hard,  so we can restore the aforementioned collegiality.

I went to mingle, with Alex in tow. He was writing his thesis with me, followed me everywhere.

After Alex made some small talk with the blonde,  I introduced myself.

“What’s happening?” I said

She looked me up and down and turned around halfway,  just like women do in  a bar to avoid unwanted strangers.

“What are you doing here?” She asked me point blank.

“Hey! I  work here” I said, then stated my name. I thought she had seen my name on the faculty roster. Apparently not!

With a wry, sardonic smile, she looked directly at me and said sweetly,

“That’s nice, they gave you a job! Good for you!”

And turned around, obviously not wanting to mess with the riffraff any more.

I tried again. “I am on the faculty here”

“Whatever!”  She muttered under her breath, loud enough for me to hear, and brusquely walked away.

Alex, who was watching this encounter, saved my day. He was laughing his ass off!

“What was all that? Did she think I was hitting on her? I asked him.

“Yup, she was pretty much clueless. “They gave you a job! That’s nice! “ Hahaha! I will remember that line.” He could not stop laughing!

In a few months, she was enrolled in my graduate class. This incident was never mentioned.  She basically looked at her notebook all the time, never asked me any questions. She was bright.  She got a well-deserved A in the course.

Years later, like at present,  Blondie has finished her education and is married to a person who lives  in my town. I actually know her husband, and  have met them  both in social gatherings. 

Sometime last year, in a picnic, I casually told  her “Hey, Alex was asking about you. Shoot him an e-mail sometime.”

“Alex who?” She asked right away.

“Alex Preston, the tall guy that was about two years ahead of you in grad school. Don’t you remember him?

Blondie frowned a little bit.

“You know, I seriously do not remember any  Alex Preston. I don’t think I ever met him.”

“Seriously now”, I said “You guys overlap about two years. It was a small department, I am almost sure I have seen you talking to Alex. You probably met him at the first welcome party we had for the students”.

Alex was six feet five, it was hard to miss him!

“You know what?” She smiled. “It has been a long time. I do not remember most people from school”.

“I will give your e-mail to Alex” I said “so that you guys can get back in touch again!”

“OK” she smiled again, a little worried now.

I told you Blondie was smart!

Hey, I still like blondes, in fact I like women in general!

This incident did not put me in therapy. Some other women almost did! But that’s another blog!

Bribes are necessary!

The issue of corruption and bribes has been discussed in detail on this site and perhaps beaten to death. I will not add my two cents here, for two reasons, one I am a gujju and I believe in taking Two Dollars rather than giiving two cents and two because I have nothing new to add or say that has not already been said. Instead I am going to present some scenarios.
Husband & Wife
Our friend Chalu Chaman started watching the news, one time his wife caught him chatting with some woman and revoked his internet rights, he had no other choice but to watch TV, initially he kept watching music videos and kept drooling at Item girls but soon his wife Bijli - gave him the current and poor guy was banned from watching movies, serials and especially music videos. He was not happy about that but like most men he was too afraid to speak against her, he did complain that TV was boring but she suggested he start watching the news and learning a thing or two about the world.
The whole Anna Hazare and the corruption issue was picking steam when he started watching news and that peeked his interest, he followed the news closely and after couple of days he made up a plan. All he could talk about was life without bribes and corruption and Bijli could notice that he was a changed man.
The next week was a big day in Bijli's life, it was her 40th Birthday, she had thrown a big surprise party for Chaman when he turned 40 a few months ago and she was really looking foward to a party followed by gifts and a vacation to some romantic place. Chaman had a knack of coming up with surprises and she couldn't wait to turn 40, although deep inside one part of her was not looking forward to crossing that threshold. She was afriad of getting old and being less desirable to her husband and other men.
The night before her birthday she went to bed at her normal time but waited until 12 AM knowing Chaman would start the celebration at midnight., the clock turned 12 but all she could hear was his snores. She got mad and fell asleep, oh well there is always tomorrow she said to herself. The next day came and went, all she got was a "Happy Birthday Darling" from Chaman, he teased "Since you turned 40 you should change your name from Bijli to Roshni, you are no longer a lightning but merely light". She ignored him and waited until 12 AM that night and when she still did not get her gifts she got mad.
"Saale Chaman I throw a big party for you and you don't even give me one gift?"
""That is because of my new resolution"
"What? To not gifts? To not make your loved ones feel appreciated?"
"To not give or take bribes"
"I am talking about me, your wife, how can you bribe your own wife?"
"Well if I give you something you will feel good about yourself, at the same time you will have different feelings for me, perhaps you will treat me better, perhaps you would cook my favorite meal, less nagging perhaps or even better perhaps a favor in bed?"
"Please!!! Buddhe youand your dirty thoughts are sleeping alone in the sofa starting today"
"I shall accept that, it is better to accept what you deserve that get what you don't deserve through deceit and bribes."
"A gift is not a bribe, it is a form of love, a show of appreciation"
"Anything given with an expectation of reward is a bribe. Anything given that changes the feelings, attitude and behavior of the receiver is a bribe. Hence no gift for you dear Bijli"
"Give me the gift, I will not change my behavior, I will keep nagging you, I will keep thinking you are an ass"
"Dear Wife you have enlightened me, before I used to be on Facebook and useless chat sites for hours and had no moral values, now thanks to you I am a changed man and charity begins at home so you are the first one to taste my no bribe lifestyle, now go to sleep darling"
                        ===========
Bribes and Blogging
RQ - Reco Queen had one mission in life, to get all her blogs in the most commented and recommended section. She would send notes to everyone asking them to read her blogs.
MK _ Maska King preyed on women like RQ, in exchange of  nice comments and recommendations he would get their email address and friend them on Facebook and chat with them for hours.
One day he received a note from RQ "Dear CC
I have posted a love story, please read the story at your convenience and provide your valuable feedback."
Like our friend Chaman, Maska had a change of heart
"Dear RQ
Thank you for your email. I regret to inform you that I no longer wish to engage in this barter. I will read your blog but will refrain from posting comments or recommending it. The reason is simple, if I do that you will feel obligated to to so on my blog and to chat with me on Facebook. I want my blog to do well on its merit and I suggest that you too put trust in your blog and stop sending mails to other members. In fact I want you to start practicing this right away and to help you get started I am going to write a blog "An open letter to RQ's mail receipiant's" whre I will request all of them not to comment of recommend your blog.
I know at this moment this seems harsh but this is for your own good. If you create multiple ID's I will expose that as well. The hits, comments and recommendations will drop initially but this will push you to work harder on your writing, if you do the same to others they will stop communicating with you outside of this site, which in turn will give you more time to concentrate on your writing.  In the long run this will benefit you. I am sending an email to the site administrator asking them to change my handle from Maska King to Sacha King."
Do you think this will happen in real life? :-)

Ingliss - As She Is Badly Spocken

“Sir, I want picassu”

I was stunned. Has art appreciation become so widespread in rural India that a labourer wants a Picasso to adorn his living room? What have I done? Employ a connoisseur of art do mundane work of weeding in my farm?

“The thorny plants will have to be uprooted. For that I need a picassu” he continued.

I heaved a sigh of relief as it dawned on my “Inglissless-brain” that he is asking for a pick-axe! This was soon after I bought this place and there were many other instances of the language being murdered. As I became wiser, I learnt that “Ashly” is Aster, “beenju” is beans and “battery samy” is actually Betaraya Swamy. The last one could be termed reverse murder!

A country bumpkin or a bunch of bumpkins ‘murdering’ English may be swallowed with a pinch of salt but when educated urban citizens do that, one needs more like a fistful of salt. A colleague who went abroad to visit a similar organization was talking about how information about the institution is made available to the public at the foyer itself. “They have kept taps”. Stunned silence. This is the first time we were hearing information flowing out of taps! Turned out that he was talking about “tapes” which the public can view then and there.

Worse is when a teacher commits such folly. A chemistry demonstrator dictating experiment procedure suddenly boomed “Taste the gas”. I almost puked because, he was talking about hydrogen sulphide and to the uninitiated I must declare that this gas is the foulest smelling thing on earth. The man wanted to say “test” but the lack of the short vowel in Hindi made him convert the ‘test’ to ‘taste’ but I wish he had done that to a gas other than hydrogen sulphide. My innocent but worried query made the entire class burst out in laughter but only invited a stony glare from the demonstrator.

‘Ingliss’ guides often wield cruel knives. From “air-condison trees” to 7^th century “dembles”, I have witnessed quite a few murders but what takes the cake is this. In the wonderful bird sanctuary at Bharatpur, rickshaw drivers double as guides. I saw three birds swooping at high speed close to the water surface and I asked my sardar guide what bird that was. “Leevar Turn” he said. Thinking that he must have been in the military earlier and that this is his version of “about turn”, I looked around and blinked. Lee Var Tun. He repeated, virtually sitting on every syllable. I looked blank. Eyes are said to be windows to the soul. On that day his eyes clearly revealed what his soul thought about my ingliss. Back home, Salim Ali’s guide finally solved the riddle – River Tern.

In my smoking days, I was often corrected by the shop-keeper to the pronunciation of Gold Flake. They always say it as “Flak” as though I deserve flak for smoking. Recently, the man at Sony service centre kept saying that the lens “blak” (block) needs to be changed. I wanted to scream that my lens is not black. Google might want to close shop if they hear a software cum hardware engineer who assembled my PC pronounce it as “Goog lee”. Noodles might want to hang themselves a la Tom & Jerry cartoon if they hear a waiter announce grandly that they have “Vigitable Nood Less” on the menu. The ego of any language will be punctured if they see the word mis-spelt in as many ways as possible – punchar, puncher, pancher not to mention “Punchur Shop” If one gets vegetables in a vegetable shop or groceries in a grocery shop, does  one get puncher in a 'puncher shop'?!

My headmaster who was also my English teacher dubbed the language as “shameless”; nevertheless he made me repeat the word ‘film’ ten times as he insisted that the ‘l’ and ‘m’ should not have any gap between them – a tough task for a twelve-year old who had just transited from a rural Tamil medium school.  Will he turn and twist in his grave if he hears “sitate bank” or “gruntee” (guarantee) or “kaapi”(coffee) or “varald”(world) ?

Throw in vernacular idiosyncrasies like the rounding of the “O” by the Mallu and we can have more fun. “There was a bomb scare. Police came with dogs” Try repeating this sentence with every ‘o’ rounded to the full as one would say "both". Daniel Jones would wince and would never have classified diphthongs. A colleague was commenting about the difficulty a Bong has in pronouncing ‘v’ and how they say it as ‘b’ to which the boss responded vehemently – “no, no, no problem” and proceeded to write the two letters and grandly declared “This is b and this is b”!!! The whole department laughed but the boss didn’t know why. But imagine a neighbour’s consternation when a visitor commented “Bhy don’t you bhitewash your balls. They are so dirty!”

 

 

M.F. Hussain—A Layman’s Brooding!

 I am no artist. So I am not in a position to write about art or artists. But M. F. Hussain’s death abroad has kicked so much of controversy I can’t control the temptation of my two pence

  Before his exile I thought, “Hussain is a  famous artist  who is a bit crazy.”  He had watched  Madhuri’s movie 67 times and was inspired to a make a movie with her.  All the fans of Madhuri (me too) had seen sound logic in that and was convinced that the man  has got real eye for beauty. But being a non-artist,   my curiosity of Hussain’s art  ended there .

 Next time, I became aware when the nude Goddesses  painted by  Hussain made headlines. A part of me was sad. I could not help thinking why all geniuses find artistic inspiration in un-clothing the  Hindu Goddesses   whom we  worship as  sacred.

 Yes, I know my  feelings would be defeated by the  logic. There were  Khajuraho  sculptures , konark statues created by  none other than  the Hindus. But that was a time very different from now. Now,  anybody with the faintest  knowledge of politics would know that doing things like that  will be  planting a seed of  violence in communally tensed country.

One of   my liberal friends told me” To save our secularism, we must not be  afraid of violence.”

 “Then why did GOI banned  Satanic Verses?

 My liberal friend had given the example of Gandhiji.  He said  during communal violence  Gandhiji always scolded  the Hindus but never  did the same to Muslims. When someone had asked him about the discriminatory behaviour , Gandhi said he appealed  to Hindus always because by nature they were ‘more tolerant.’ The other party would not have  listened  to him.

 My friend told me may be Hussin knew even  some of the  ‘more tolerant sect”  would bay for his blood.   . But the rest will  discuss his art and finally will understand his creative genius.  Alas! This calculation has gone slightly wrong. Anyway – I never saw any of  nude paintings.

 Last I became aware of him when   he was in discussion about the Nationality issue. At the terminal years of life  he had changed  Nationality. But this time I reasoned it out myself from my own experience.     Seeing  old  politicians and celebrities , I know once a person  crosses 80, he becomes a bit irresponsible.

 Since his/ her subconscious knows – the days  are not many—they want to have all the attention. As   there are few peaks to climb, calculation goes to the wind and real nature  takes over. Then comes the irresponsible comments and chronic complaints like “ world has not  given  my due.” Last few days his action  seemed to be mere tantrums- for getting attention.

But was he a   Bad man?  I have no idea. Vaidyanthan puspagiri has reproduced N Ram’s  analysis in his blog. Reading it had touched me. It painted the picture of a man desperate to   share his loneliness with a friend.

 But it was friend’s memoir, who knew the man- behind the  veil of  great artist.

 To me, who knows him through a newspaper only,  only one impression will last; “ A famous artist with a weakness;  to hog limelight- at any cost.”