The Winsome Brahmin Critters!

Years ago, I befriended a feisty, liberal American woman. She was a strong defender of human rights, women’s rights, animal rights, and a champion of  many other  important social issues.. Very cute,  but very opinionated. My own views were not much different from hers, but my debating capabilities were limited, nor was I nearly as strident as she was.

She was always testing me, trying to get me in trouble.

One evening, she dropped a bombshell.

“Hey, what if your son turns out to be gay?”

I tried the obvious.

“No way, he is about ten years old, he already checks out girls. He won’t be gay, I am sure”

She was persistent

“His orientation is not properly developed yet, he may very well turn out to be gay. How would you handle it?”

I thought for a while. Divorced about five years before I met her, my only son’s welfare was a touchy subject for me.  Hmmm…, dealing with this required some advanced strategic maneuvers.  I  finally said,

“Frankly, I will  be devastated.”

“Really?” She did not expect this reaction.

“You would not understand. This is kind of complicated. Please listen carefully:

My great-great grandfather was a Sanskrit scholar, a  pundit, a priest,  a man of letters indeed. He lived in a small village but  obviously had critters that were of  A++ grade, if not better.”

“Critters?” She was frowning.

“Yeah.  Some men have high grade critters, others don’t. It is as simple as that”. I stated my case.

“So, this is about your ancestors’ …ummm… critters?” She was incredulous at this point.

“Of course. No ordinary critters, madam, they were pure Brahmin critters, the best of the best.  His eldest son, my great grandfather,  was the first  in his family to have gone to college. He actually moved to Kolkata to work. Unfortunately, he passed away at a very young age. However, he obviously carried the high grade critters and passed them on to my grandfather, his only son.

My grandfather, bearer of these high grade critters, was raised by my great grandmother , a young widow. What a magnificent lady she was. Her goal, obviously, was to cherish my grandpa, so that the high grade critters may flourish.

 In time, my grandpa grew up to be a successful attorney, and got married to my grandma and had nine beautiful children. See what these high grade critters can do if given half  a chance?

However, the high grade critters were only passed on to my father, the eldest son, who, while leading an exemplary life, passed the aforementioned critters to me, his eldest son.”

“So it is the eldest son who inherits them? What about the other male children?” She was inquisitive.

“They don’t get the real stuff. Not a chance. This is a Hindu thing. But the geneticists all over the world have proved this beyond any doubt.” I cleared this up.

“Really?” She was skeptical

“Of course. Read the research. Do you know, Chenghis Khan, the infamous Mongol emperor, had about a thousand children?”

“He and his army also killed  millions of  people and raped and killed women and small children.  Why is this relevant?” She was annoyed.

“Awww, the poor fellow didn’t know about women’s  rights. In fact he had no idea that anyone else besides him had any rights whatsoever. But, notice the incredible success rate of  his critters. Remarkable, isn’t it?”

“ I see. So what did you do with the exemplary critters? Did you have a thousand children? At least  nine children like your grandpa? She was taunting me at this point.

“My critters wanted to, for sure. However, there were other constraints, like financial limitations, my ex-spouse’s lack of total devotion to the critters and such. However, I did manage to pass them on to my exemplary progeny.

Now if he turns out to be gay, I can not expect  him to pass on the exemplary critters. Gay men occasionally have children, but it is relatively rare. This would be the end of the line, I guess. A monumental loss to mankind in general and a devastating blow to my ancestors, indeed.”

I noticed she was smiling at this point,

“You are pulling my leg, aren’t you?” She asked.

“No, I am dead serious” I tried to keep a straight face.

“You are funny. A funny Hindu guy”  I noticed that she has lost her aggression at this point and had a broad smile on her face.

Our conversation, after that,  turned to more pleasant topics.

The critters won this one!